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I pictured Wisconsin flat in every aspect. Flat land, flat culture, flat people. I don’t know exactly why I thought this, I went to school with a Green Bay native—a 7 foot giant with a booming voice and playful nature. He was rowdy, fun and memorable and he drove a Packers yellow El Camino—who was far from flat. But, nonetheless, as we drove into the state from the South I prepared myself for miles upon miles of flat boring road and dull, drab cities. I was wrong.
In Milwaukee Brian and I drive through a poverty stricken area (how exactly is one stricken with poverty? Are you just living it up and suddenly you don’t feel so hot, so you go to the doctor, who, after a series of pokes, prods and tests, discovers that your worst fears have come to fruition—you’ve come down with poverty!) on our way to the Miller Brewery. We get there and sign up for the free tour, making sure that samples were indeed given at the end. The tour begins with a video presentation in a screening room. A deep, hypnotic voice—which shall henceforth be known as ‘The Voice’—accompanies the images beaming across three different screens. What transpires is pretty much a twenty-minute commercial with The Voice describing the joys and pleasures of beer drinking. The level of importance the flick attributed to beer was absurd, but it was also hilarious. Over a patriotic score The Voice began; “Do you ever have that moment? That moment when the planets align and you feel as though you’ve become God? Yes, that moment. Well congratulations friend, you’ve just experienced Miller Time. Yes, Miller Time. Frank Miller began brewing to improve other peoples lives and over the years Miller Brewing has carried on this tradition. Miller has been known to cure cancer, solve world hunger, give men the ability to lure women into intercourse and so, so much more. What can Miller do for you?” The Voice went on and on, describing the history of Miller and the process of brewing. I laughed so much I hardly remember any of it, except The Voice once said, “…from these combination of ingredients comes liquid gold.” Which I thought was silly on many levels, the first being that if I ever did have a glass of liquid gold, the last thing I would do is drink it.
The tour itself was actually worth all I paid and more. We got to walk through the actual working brewery and not just some pre-packaged, non-working model that so many tours of this sort normally use, They gave a bunch of stats, I don’t remember many of them, something like a billion beers delivered every second, 7 million livers exploded every day—fasinating things of that nature. Aside from the brewery workers viewing us with contempt because, let’s face it, they were at work making beer and we were on vacation about to drink beer, everything else was two-thumbs way up. It ended and we headed over to the free beer section, along the way Brian pointed out a sign to the workers that read: ‘Be Careful. TODAY.’ We laughed and were glad that we were leaving, we’d hate to be around for the carelessness of tomorrow.
After the three free beers (which were delicious, great work Mr. Frank Miller) and a long chat with some very nice Wisconsinians (I have no idea if that’s correct, but I bet it’s not) who expressed lots of interest in the trip, we hopped back in the car and made the short drive to Wisconsin’s capital, Madison.
In Milwaukee Brian and I drive through a poverty stricken area (how exactly is one stricken with poverty? Are you just living it up and suddenly you don’t feel so hot, so you go to the doctor, who, after a series of pokes, prods and tests, discovers that your worst fears have come to fruition—you’ve come down with poverty!) on our way to the Miller Brewery. We get there and sign up for the free tour, making sure that samples were indeed given at the end. The tour begins with a video presentation in a screening room. A deep, hypnotic voice—which shall henceforth be known as ‘The Voice’—accompanies the images beaming across three different screens. What transpires is pretty much a twenty-minute commercial with The Voice describing the joys and pleasures of beer drinking. The level of importance the flick attributed to beer was absurd, but it was also hilarious. Over a patriotic score The Voice began; “Do you ever have that moment? That moment when the planets align and you feel as though you’ve become God? Yes, that moment. Well congratulations friend, you’ve just experienced Miller Time. Yes, Miller Time. Frank Miller began brewing to improve other peoples lives and over the years Miller Brewing has carried on this tradition. Miller has been known to cure cancer, solve world hunger, give men the ability to lure women into intercourse and so, so much more. What can Miller do for you?” The Voice went on and on, describing the history of Miller and the process of brewing. I laughed so much I hardly remember any of it, except The Voice once said, “…from these combination of ingredients comes liquid gold.” Which I thought was silly on many levels, the first being that if I ever did have a glass of liquid gold, the last thing I would do is drink it.
The tour itself was actually worth all I paid and more. We got to walk through the actual working brewery and not just some pre-packaged, non-working model that so many tours of this sort normally use, They gave a bunch of stats, I don’t remember many of them, something like a billion beers delivered every second, 7 million livers exploded every day—fasinating things of that nature. Aside from the brewery workers viewing us with contempt because, let’s face it, they were at work making beer and we were on vacation about to drink beer, everything else was two-thumbs way up. It ended and we headed over to the free beer section, along the way Brian pointed out a sign to the workers that read: ‘Be Careful. TODAY.’ We laughed and were glad that we were leaving, we’d hate to be around for the carelessness of tomorrow.
After the three free beers (which were delicious, great work Mr. Frank Miller) and a long chat with some very nice Wisconsinians (I have no idea if that’s correct, but I bet it’s not) who expressed lots of interest in the trip, we hopped back in the car and made the short drive to Wisconsin’s capital, Madison.
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