[ this end up ]

In Uncategorized on October 1, 2005 at 10 pm

>TOP SECRET
Department of Global Security (DoGS)
From: Agent Mineart
Subject: Peckerwood Pride

Brief:
The FBI recently received a tip from source ‘ROB’ pertaining to ‘peckerwood pride,’ source is quoted as saying: “Peckerwood Pride is the third strongest force in the universe.” This tip was forwarded to the DoGS, who have chose to further investigate the matter. Our Intel is poor, years of exposure to harsh neurological drugs at camp ‘SCAD’ has left source unreliable. Source has been described as: ‘spacey’ and ‘far out.’ Previous quotes from source ‘ROB’ include: “I can see the future” and an application to the FBI for post at “the history of the future,” his file is currently under review.
      The possibility of a ‘third strongest force in the universe’ on earth concerns DoGS very much. ____________ has long been the dominant force, followed by _________, but intergalactic conflict between _________ & ________ have steadily increased. Peckerwood Pride could engage earth in this very conflict. Agent Takats and myself were dispatched to contacts location, Livingston, Montana, alleged headquarters of Peckerwood Pride to gather more Intel for DoGS.
      Over the course of 4 days, Agent Takats and myself gathered much info on the town and ‘Pride.’ Explored surrounding areas, surveillance taken of possible ‘Pride’ headquarters. Much of the time was spent FUBAR. Traveled with ‘ROB’ to remote area where we shot menacing looking milk jugs with a 22 (note for record: with 12 shots each, dispatched agents missed all shots. ‘ROB’ killed both jugs). Town is filled with many strange suspects, possibly insane, possibly from the water, hours of interviews were conducted, much was learned.

Name: Mike Doyle
Doyle first appears on FBI records in 1968 when he was arrested for the attempted assignation of George Wallace. Doyle and two friends traveled to Flint, MI for a political rally, dropping acid, smoking pot and drinking beer along the way. After dumping his girlfriend, daughter of the governor, on the side of the road she fabricated a report to police about the assassination attempt. Doyle and company were detained but eventually released. He recently served as mayor of Livingston but was forced to resign after an arrest at a bar after hours in company of an intoxicated and underwearless woman. Doyle is often found at ‘ROB’’s home doing Ti-Chi in the yard and smoking pot.

Name: Ron Stryker
Ron Stryker was guitarist of now defunct ‘Met at Work’, famous for hit ‘Land Down Under.’ Ron spent much time on the receiving end of heroin injections. He joined a doomsday cult, selling all his processions, including his Grammy, and moved to Livingston. The cult built shelters and waited for day of doom which, obviously, never happened. The cult continues, it’s members are often seen aimlessly walking around with absent smiles. Members are rumored to try just about anything under the guise of spiritual enlightenment. Agent Takats engagd Stryker for multiple hours, the subject of the cult was never broached. While they chatted I went to the juke box and played ‘Land Down Under.’

Name: Wilson
Wilson assumes a normal identity during daily hours, don’t be fooled. Under the night sky and a mere taste of whiskey, Wilson transforms into ‘the wild drummer.’ The Wild Drummer only says 5 phrases…over and over and over.
“I’m the wild drummer”
“Cheewaa”
“You ain’t shit.”
“Eat pussy, hot and nasty.”
“Don’t ever fuck around…ever.”
Not much was learned from interrogations with Wilson. Town members considered buying Wilson a parrot so the 5-phrases would never die, but on second thought, decided against it.

Name: Ron
Ron is a local drunk, and ‘ROB’s boss at the log cabin place. Drinking while driving was still legal in Montana (until one week ago) but Ron routinely drove over the legal limit. Eventually a breathalyzer was needed to start his vehicle and as rumor has it, almost everyone in town has used sober breaths to start it for Ron—including his dog Bruno. In fact through peanut butter and practice Bruno became quite an expert at blowing breathalyzers.

Recommendations:
These people are armed and likely mentally insane. Such a large cluster of insanity has never existed before. Peckerwood Pride is alive and well and festering. Agent Takats and I highly recommend further surveillance, watch these people, laugh with them, love them, but don’t, not even once, drink that fucking water.

–end transmission–

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